A boy is featured on Chicago's NBC5 with news anchor Allison Rosati. His photo and description are added to the Wednesday's Child website. Everyone knows what is supposed to happen next. The calls and online interest forms come pouring in. But what if they don't?

Maybe there was a big game that night on another channel. It might have been tax time, or right before a holiday when most folks were out shopping. Perhaps a storm caused a power outage. Or maybe families who watched the adventurous, playful and eager to please pre-teen just assumed so many others would be interested in him that they would never be chosen. Whatever the reason, the show ended, days and weeks went by, and there still wasn't a family for Dontae.

Vanessa wasn't actively searching for a child to adopt. But she works for the Illinois Department of Children and Family Services in the adoption and foster care field, where information about waiting children often crosses her path. "I had seen a sibling group of four," Vanessa relates. "My husband and I were lamenting that they probably would get no calls." Vanessa called to ask about the children and found out that 15 or 20 other families had also inquired. So she and her husband, Oreal, didn't feel a need to pursue that possibility further.

But Vanessa's call alerted a co-worker to the fact that Vanessa and Oreal might be ready to adopt again. (They had already adopted one son.) The co-worker was coordinating a special project to try to find families for the children who had been waiting the longest to be adopted. One day she came into Vanessa's office exclaiming, "I've found your son!"

"I wasn't exactly looking for a son at that time. I mean, I had one of those already," Vanessa jokes. But she was interested in learning more.

She learned that Dontae was 12 years old and had no medical problems and no extreme behaviors. "I knew that he had been featured on Wednesday's Child, but there had been no inquiries," Vanessa says. That was one of the motivating factors for her. Talking to some of the Wednesday's Child coordinators provided more insight. "He's a very good-looking kid, personable, nice.... I couldn't believe that this child hadn't been called upon. When I heard that he had given up hope of finding a family, I was just blown away that a 12-year-old should feel hopeless like that."

Vanessa and Oreal talked it over. Their son Orlando, now 16, had joined the family at age 10. In addition they have been foster parents to 6 children over the years. "Some of our kids had moved on to independent living situations," Vanessa explains. "We said, if we do this again, let's do it in a permanent way."

Dontae joined the family in January, 2003. "Dontae is a great kid," says Vanessa about her son, now 14. "He's funny, he likes music, he likes to dance and he likes to sing. He's very playful, likes to tease a lot. He's very affectionate. Dontae really blossoms with one-on-one attention. He likes to cook. He wants to be a chef when he grows up."

Oreal adds, "Dontae's pretty stoic about every situation. In a year and a half I've only seen him get upset once. " Of course, being part of a family hasn't been automatic, especially, says Oreal, "when he's had no practice at it for 12 or 13 years. He needs time to learn how to build, to learn that there is a safe place for your emotions within your family. Being able to share his burdens is something new to him. He's learning to be able to count on [the fact] that people are going to continue to be there. If he can get those things," Oreal says confidently, "he's going to be a really special young man."

In November, 2003, the adoption was finalized. It turned out to be a very memorable occasion. "Dontae's adoption was chosen to be the focal point of Chicago's adoption day," Oreal says. "We were up on the podium and the press was there. It was a really cool day, real uplifting." In front of local politicians and even a judge who had been adopted, Dontae's was one of 75 adoptions finalized that day. Since then, "he's assimilated into the family, without a doubt," says his dad. "We changed his name. He's really proud of that."

Adopting an older child was a good fit for Vanessa and Oreal. "All of our kids have come to us after they're in the double digits," Vanessa says cheerfully. "My husband feels very strongly that the time you really need a family is after you're an adult. One benefit of older kids is that you're able to talk to them in a different way. Conversations are meatier."

Other children in the family were readily accepting of Dontae. "Orlando was actually pretty excited," Vanessa remembers. "He was glad to have another boy around with two sisters." But Dontae is actually closest to the youngest child in the family, who is 4 years old, because she identified him as her brother so early
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Dontae's ties with birth family members were not a problem either. "He's got several siblings," Vanessa points out. "We maintained those connections to the extent that we could." Dontae has also visited his great aunt and uncle. "They've been very supportive. It's worked out well so far."

"The biggest challenge for us is school," Vanessa comments. Fortunately, she knew this ahead of time. "I wanted to make sure that we had the resources within our local school to address it." Tutoring turned out to be helpful and enjoyable for Dontae.

Vanessa urges prospective adoptive parents to "stay focused on wanting to help a child by providing a family... and not focused on picking the right child. If I had tried to pick out, or wait for the perfect child, I probably would have overlooked the kids that I have."

To middle aged adopters thinking about younger children, she says, "Look at the ages of your peers and their kids and the cousins your child will be growing up with; adopting an older child might make more sense. Keep an open mind, and don't worry about the years that you think you might have missed. Every stage is wonderful.

Oreal, who works with young athletes, from high school through college age, agrees. This experienced father also cautions new parents not to expect a youngster to change immediately. "How often we expect them to get it right away," he muses. "But we expect a whole lot of grace for ourselves. You want to be accepted. You want to be loved. It all comes down to the golden rule. How can you expect your son or daughter to get this overnight, when for 35 years you've been trying to attain it?"

Oreal has a metaphor for raising a child. "It's like a bank account. You can only take out withdrawals if you're putting in deposits. Take just one [child], and pour all you've got into that one kid." He and Vanessa both want to get the word out "to 40 and 50- year-olds, the older population, those who haven't raised any children but feel like they missed out on the opportunity: Hey! You can do this!"

Story written by Becky Birtha as told by Vanessa and Oreal

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