Separation and Loss Issues
By Becky Birtha

When a description says a child has separation and loss issues, what can an adoptive parent expect?

Any child who is adopted will have some separation and loss issues. If a child was adopted as an infant, these issues may surface later. Children adopted as toddlers will feel grief over losing the important people in their lives, even though they can't express it in words. School-age and teenage children who have been in the foster care system may have experienced numerous losses and separations– from siblings, extended family, foster families, and social workers, as well as from their birth parents.

Having a child join the family through adoption is a happy event. But new adoptive parents should remember that, for the child being adopted, moving to a new family is also an experience of loss, whether it is loss of a foster family, a best friend, a familiar routine, or a country, culture and language.

Children and teenagers react to loss and grief differently from adults. When a loss happens, some children feel immediate grief, while others may deny the loss. Long-term denial or avoidance of grief is unhealthy and can result in more severe problems.

Parents should be aware of what normal childhood responses are, as well as knowing the danger signals.

One common reaction to loss is anger, which is often directed toward the new adoptive parent. Anger may also be expressed in rough play, nightmares, irritability, or challenging behavior. Many children regress and display babyish behavior. Teenagers respond to separation and loss in a variety of ways. Some responses are constructive, such as talking with a friend, keeping a journal, or using the arts. But some teens turn to destructive activities, such as drug and alcohol abuse, or social withdrawal.

Adults can help a grieving child by listening, answering questions, giving the child permission to show feelings openly, and reassuring the child that he or she will be taken care of. They can remember that a child's grief may be felt anew when memories are triggered by an event or a new loss, or when the child reaches a new developmental stage, with an increased ability to understand adoption. And they can be alert to the warning signals, including extended depression or regression, loss of interest in daily activities, changes in sleep patterns or appetite, or a drop in school performance. When these appear, it's time to seek professional help.

This article originally appeared in NACzine: The National Adoption Center Internet Magazine, Issue 30, December 2004.