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22Jun

Glory on egg-shells day-oh (Gloria in excelsis deo)

It sucks, walking on eggshells.

As an adoptive parent, I felt I had to do it many times. It’s downright uncomfortable. None of us want to break those delicate membranes, for egg yolks run and are messy. And bits of shell can lodge in the most annoying places. And to keep peace, I did it.

What is curious is that our adult adoptive daughter finally told me that during her childhood and teenage years felt she had to do the same thing.

And what do you know?--each of us was walking gingerly on the I-don’t-want-to-hurt-your-feelings-or-your-pride “eggs” (issues). Unbeknownst to me, she felt she could not always “be herself” because she knew I was: 1) a sensitive soul, 2) an uber sensitive parent, 3) an incredibly over-the-top sensitive and protective-of-our-only-child adoptive parent.

So for years, rather than just walking softly, she (and I) began to dance ‘round the eggs by skirting emotions. Other kids ranted, “I don’t want you to be my mother. I hate you.” I never heard those words from her. At least not audibly. Could I tell she was struggling? Sure. But not wanting to probe and potentially be hurt, I kept silent.
So sometimes the dances intensified. She finally told me recently that even though she witnessed friends doing that to their parents on occasion, she could not bring herself to hurl those words for she knew (rightly so) that they would wound me too deeply. Thinking back now, I saw her bite her lip more than once. Sometimes her pain must have been so great.

But she chose silence. So, on the eggshells, she continued to walk. And other times, danced around it all. Me, too.

I have observed that many biological children don’t feel the need to dance around or walk on eggshells. Even if they shouted at their parents, the words wouldn't penetrate their parent’s shell the same way as it would an adoptive parent’s.

A sensitive soul herself, this adoptee, stopped before she railed. I was unaware she was dancing alone in her world while I did the same in mine. Delicately tip-toeing on the eggshells every day – oh. I am grateful for her kindness, but I am truly sorry it took her so long to “be herself.”

As an adoptive parent, my dances consisted of my agonizing over the “family” issue which was hard to bring up at all, much less without tears. (The all-too-familiar adoptive parent struggle: even if or when you know your birth family, will you still consider your dad and I to be your family?)

And so my soft treading and dancing continued, too.

If you are an adoptive family and this sounds like something happening in your life, perhaps you could look for signs in yourself and your children.

Perhaps your kids are suppressing their emotions. Perhaps you are, as well. As parents we probably wouldn't want to call attention to the fact that we struggle not to be ourselves in deference to how it might make them feel. All the while hearing the strains of “Gloria” as we do our best to find in our home peace, good will to all those abiding there. I am now of the option that we find the glory when we honor our rightful position for we are, by rights, parents and our adopted child is really our child!

In talking with adoptive and other parents, I believe now that all parenting could be considered dancing, but adoptive parenting and adopt-eeing in general might brings up some extra sensitive and raw emotions. Don’t we simply want to know—am I a good enough parent/son/daughter? Deep down, each parent and child, each human being is seeking acceptance.

Perhaps what any adopted child who is walking on eggshells or dancing around the eggs is really hoping their parents would magically perceive: “I don’t know if you can handle it if I, like friends raised by blood mothers and fathers would say ‘I hate you’ (in this moment) or ‘I wish you weren't my parent’ (in this moment) because actually this really has nothing to do with you, but I am frustrated that I got a B- on my test. Please understand me!”

And, on the other side, are adoptive parents walking and dancing at the same time wondering whether their child would somehow ‘get’ them whether or not they verbalize the biggest crisis in their hearts: “Can I tell you how much I hurt when I don’t know which family—us or your birth or friend/peer family—you will ultimately choose, or through what circumstance you will choose that one? Because we understand your desire to know them, to even be with them, but—just the same—we love you and want you to still love us and accept our love as one true and bona fide child—no matter what?”

Learning that she danced, and knowing how it felt to dance myself gave me perspective. Because she could be as honest as she has, I have decided to do the same. She has become much more herself. She voices. My husband and I voice, too.

And to that I say: Glory-be!

2Jun

Keeping You In The Loop

You may have noticed that you are no longer receiving a National Adoption Center newsletter.

Current and future trends in how people communicate tell us that attention spans are getting shorter and shorter, and organizations need to get their messages across in a more compact way. To this end, we’re going to begin to send out small online vignettes about individual children and families involved in the child welfare system. We think this will be the optimal way to create public awareness about the plight of children in foster care, and why they so desperately need a family to adopt them. Of course, some of our messages will also include a way for you to contribute financially to our mission.

We hope you will like our new way of sharing our work with you. Perhaps it will even prompt you to contribute your own adoption story, by sending it to us . We’d love to hear from you!

26May

Older Youth Adoption

How old is too old to look for a family? At 31 years old, I still need my parents. Think about it, when was the last time you reached out to your family? Was it your parents, a sibling, an aunt or uncle maybe a cousin? Did you call them? Did you text them? Did you see them at a holiday gathering?

For me, I talk to my mom almost daily. A quick text, a short check in, something as simple as trying to get a dinner idea. My parents were there on my high school graduation- my mom holding an embarrassing “Congratulations Princess Paige” sign. They drove me to drop me off at college. They listened to me homesick on my telephone calls. They picked me up and brought me home over holiday breaks. They sent me care packages. They gave me advice on my first job, my first apartment and my first car. My parents were there on my wedding day. My dad walked me down the aisle; we had a father/daughter dance. My parents were there when my children were born. They were a phone call away when I had a panicked, new-mom moment.

I have a place (in reality, too many places) to go on holidays. Our holidays are scheduled around visits with parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins. Even though we may sometimes grumble through some visits, or have tired, whiny kids at the end of the day, I have somewhere to go. I have a place that is familiar and warm. When I walk into my parent’s house, I smell home. When I walk into a holiday dinner, I know my Gramma’s dishes will be prepared perfectly.

Recently we have had the opportunity to feature older children on our TV segment, and in print. The most recent was youth 19 years old, almost 20. The immediate response from some was to question why we are still working on behalf of an “adult”. It is true that these children can vote, join the military, buy cigarettes, etc., but they are still looking for their family.

Without finding a family, who is there embarrassing, I mean cheering, them on at their high school graduation? Who is there with advice on how to get a job, budget their bills, pay their taxes? Who is there to share in their joys and help them bear their sorrows? Where do they go for Thanksgiving? Who hands down family recipes to make their favorite meals?

We are committed to helping these children find a family for as long as we can. Whether you are 5, 18, 35, or 95 you still need a family.

20May

Not two people, families or situations are exactly the same…

Never have I been more cognizant of this “opener” than I am right now. I am a member of the Board of National Adoption and I have leaned on my fellow board members and our staff for insights into adoption ever since our son, Adam, came into our lives in 1991, just two days after his birth. I read and continue to read books on Transracial Adoption --our two older children are “home mades”, Adam is our gourmet take-out featuring flavors of South Africa, Polynesia and Western Europe, a complex - gourmet "take-out”. I have learned that asking for insight is essential…but advice is the tricky one…because nothing is ever precisely the same. Right now I am fresh into experiencing living without the physical presence of my soul mate…the father of our three children and the wind beneath my wings. He crossed over Christmas, 2014, in his sleep. Family and friends are so supportive but I know that even those I know well who are in my “same” situation cannot deliver a formula for coping, re-framing, living in the present. It has to be my unique crafting that forms my vision for now and the future. This is what is hardest and what is also the most reassuring. So, know there is no ONE way to address issues of adoption, relationships, love or loss. Your solutions must be your own and while you would be well advised to reach out for “insight” the beauty of your family and adoptive success is unlike that of anyone else on this planet. Just remember, you can be the wind beneath your children’s wings…never pulling them down, ever lifting them up and always encouraging them to fly on their own. They will grow and thank you for this…and more.

13May

Identity Lens / Identity Lends

All of us see life through a lens. A lens that we adjust to bring our life picture into—or sometimes out of—focus. At least it’s something I noticed when working registration at a recent Adoption Center matching event.

As families, youth, and their workers arrived at registration, what struck me first was the blend of timidity and hope in their faces. It stands to reason that there would be so much raw emotion on display. The kids—even those who have attended previous events in the hopes of finding their forever family—certainly have hope, but until the ice is broken, most start the day with cautious reserve. Perhaps they start out adjusting their lens to blur the picture of their expectations.

They might have asked themselves how much of their identity they need to share with these families and how to share it. And yet the families probably wonder how, in such a short amount of time, they can most effectively teach the kids about who they are and what they have to offer.

One consolation: no one needed to worry about revealing their “identity” with regards to adoption. But I can imagine it must not be like that in everyday life.

What goes through the minds and emotions of the youth in care? Who are they? How do they see themselves? How do they identify themselves? With what do they identify? They might not admit to classmates that they are in foster care or talk with their peers about their hope of being adopted. And even the families who have chosen the path of adoption may have had to quietly wrestle with infertility or bias to come to that point, and therefore not freely speak much about their “identity.”

So this silence begs the question: through what lens do they see themselves? How do they identify themselves?

Security officers ask to see our proof of identification at the airport or public building. Through the lens of what they see when they look at us and the identification we provide, they either stop us or allow us to pass through.

But ID “lenses” give limited information—descriptions of our eye and hair color, whether we need corrective lenses, our birthplace or our address. Our ID might have our signature and possibly an impossible un-likeness of ourselves that we would rather cover up with our thumb and a slight of hand (or is that just me?). Such “identification” does not suffice when we want people to know something more about the real us. For that, we use words or labels that often bridge our association with someone—something—we have in common.

When we are young, we might proudly (or perhaps despairingly) claim, “I go to pre-school” or “I am in kindergarten” or “I am a middle school student” and later might exclaim with a bit more confidence that we are a freshman, sophomore, junior or senior, a graduate student, or even a Ph.D.

Growing, becoming new people, accepting ourselves and others does change us. Those changes become part of our identity. And, through sharpening the focus of our identity, we inadvertently add new lenses—such as patience or tolerance—through which we see our self and our world.

When we identify as “being” something—a member of a club, association, fraternity, or group—we are provided yet another lens. By sharing our identity lenses, we hope to give others a way through which they will know more about us without the need for a lot of explanation.

What about a child in foster care? A teen who has been in the limbo of foster care for many years? What descriptive words would they use? How easy would anyone find to identify one’s self as “a potential adoptee” or “a waiting child.” Those words are an identity lens that does not show a complete picture.

Waiting children are like everyone else: identity is somewhat tenuous. How much do any of us explain about the real “us?” How much do we need to explain? I am sure it is much more comfortable to stay with identifiers like our favorite sports teams and what we want to be when we grow up. And that is a great beginning.

But each of us also wants to go deeper with some people. Our adopted daughter says whenever she meets and discovers the person is an adoptee—whatever their age—she feels an unspoken bond. She adjusts her identity lens based on the common thread. My own identity lens? For over a quarter of a century I have looked at life through the lens of an adoptive parent. Like our daughter, I feel an unspoken commonality (and, I would have to say, relief, in not having to explain but rather having the joy to share stories) when I meet other adoptive parents or adoptees. It is a bond in which there is a silent knowingness.

Perhaps that is what the youth and families attending felt, too. These events give them the chance not to have to explain everything. Their ID badge, as it were, was simply being there. By the end of the event, there was so much more hope and much less timidity in the faces of the kids and the families (and even on faces of the youth workers). It seemed like during the activities of the day, everyone had adjusted their lenses. Some probably even had the joy of sharing their stories with each other. Maybe this is a point as a lesson for us all: how much we look through our life “identity lenses” and base our reaction to and treatment of others on what we see?

Identity lenses can help us sharpen our insights from both our uniqueness and our differences, and help us know ourselves better by discovering our points of wonder as well as our points of fear. But we should realize they can also block us from getting to know someone better when we use our lens of prejudice for certain labels or categories before we probe more deeply.

“Identity lenses” len(d)s us chances to discover our tolerances but also to be evermore open, accepting and loving. We need to remember that we can choose the shutter speed and when to sharpen or blur the focus and even when we use a close up or wide-angle lens.

11May

NJ-CARES

My name is Kyana and I am a recent addition to the National Adoption Center family. I was brought on as a Recruitment Team Lead Facilitator to work on a grant, NJ-CARES, in collaboration with New Jersey’s Office of Adoption Operations. NJ-CARES’s purpose is to provide intensive-child-specific recruitment to children waiting to be adopted in New Jersey’s foster care system, in fact we are working with those who have been waiting the longest in foster care. The grant is using the teaming process, meaning each child has all of his workers (therapists, case workers and other professionals) come together to identify suitable permanence providers. My role in the project is to lead and facilitate Recruitment Team Meetings on a monthly basis to identify arenas in which to profile youth, recruit potential adoptive families and to secure a permanent team for the youth. I hope that through this project, New Jersey’s longest waiting youth in foster care will have a better chance at finding a “forever home”. While I am aware that this will be a challenging task, I am excited to be a part of the mission to better service youth in the foster care system. The National Adoption Center is excited to be able to provide new recruitment techniques that will help children in foster care find their forever families. Look out for future updates on how the grant is going as we work hard to find ways in which to decrease the number of children waiting for permanent, loving homes.

7May

Stan Hochman Compassion for Kids Award

On April 23 the National Adoption Center held its annual Celebration of Family gala. Although the Broadway-themed evening raised $150,000 to support our mission of finding adoptive homes for children in foster care, it was bittersweet since we said goodbye to longtime friend and supporter Stan Hochman who passed away on April 9 after a recent illness.

Along with his wife Gloria, the Center’s communications director, Stan was very much the public face of the Adoption Center. He was always at our events, always championing “the cause”. He was our in-house auctioneer, raising tens of thousands of dollars for our vulnerable children, and used every media opportunity available to tout NAC and the important work we do. A sportswriter for more than five decades for the Philadelphia Daily News, Stan epitomized the spirit of volunteerism. According to his daughter Anndee, Stan died while wearing a baseball cap for the Miracle League, a charity for children with mental and physical disabilities, one of the many causes he supported.

Thanks to Stan, thousands of children have found their forever families. It is for that reason that we renamed our Adoption Hall of Fame Award the Stan Hochman Compassion for Kids Award. He will be sorely missed, however his legacy will live on.

1Apr

Effects of Foster Care on Children

Foster care is supposed to be a temporary solution whereby the child is adopted by a loving family or is reunited with the biological family once the situation is deemed safe. But the average child remains in foster care for two years, often being shuffled from one home to another. Some children are never reunified or adopted, and the effects are damaging:

1) Foster children are more likely to become victims of sex trafficking
Given their need for love, protection and their often impaired development of social boundaries, foster care children make easier targets for sex traffickers. According to California Against Slavery (CAS):

  • In 2012, studies estimate that between 50-80% of commercially sexually exploited children in California are or were formally involved with the child welfare system
  • 58% of 72 sexually trafficked girls in Los Angeles County’s STARS Court in 2012 were foster care kids
  • The most common age for children in the sex trade is 11-13 years for boys and 12-14 years for girls

Source: California Against Slavery (CAS) Research & Education

2) Foster children are more likely to become homeless, incarcerated and/or rely on government assistance
In 2012, 23,396 youth aged out of the U.S. foster care system without the emotional and financial support necessary to succeed.

  • Nearly 40% had been homeless or couch surfed
  • Almost 60% of young men had been convicted of a crime
  • Only 48% were employed
  • 75% of women and 33% of men receive government benefits to meet basic needs
  • 17% of the females were pregnant

Source: AFCARS Report, No. 20, Jim Casey Youth

3) Foster children attain lower levels of education
While one study shows 70% of all youth in foster care have the desire to attend college, nearly 25% of youth aging out did not have a high school diploma or GED, and a mere 6% had finished a two- or four-year degree after aging out of foster care.

Source: Midwest Evaluation of the Adult Functioning of Former Foster Youth

20Feb

Discrimination in the Foster Care System

According to Dorothy Roberts, professor at Northwestern University's School of Law and author of Shattered Bonds: The Color of Child Welfare (2002),
“The number of black (and Latino) children in state custody is a national disgrace that reflects systemic injustices and calls for radical reform.”

Following is an excerpt from PBS Frontline “Race and Class in the Child Welfare System” by Dorothy Roberts

According to federal statistics, black children in the child welfare system are placed in foster care at twice the rate for white children. A national study by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services reported that "minority children, and in particular African American children, are more likely to be in foster care placement than receive in-home services, even when they have the same problems and characteristics as white children" [emphasis added]. Most white children who enter the system are permitted to stay with their families, avoiding the emotional damage and physical risks of foster care placement, while most black children are taken away from theirs. And once removed from their homes, black children remain in foster care longer, are moved more often, receive fewer services, and are less likely to be either returned home or adopted than any other children.

Effects of Foster Care on Children

Foster care is supposed to be a temporary solution whereby the child is adopted by a loving family or is reunited with the biological family once the situation is deemed safe. But the average child remains in foster care for two years, often being shuffled from one home to another. Some children are never reunified or adopted, and the effects are damaging:

1) Foster children are more likely to become victims of sex trafficking
Given their need for love, protection and their often impaired development of social boundaries, foster care children make easier targets for sex traffickers. According to California Against Slavery (CAS):

  • In 2012, studies estimate that between 50-80% of commercially sexually exploited children in California are or were formally involved with the child welfare system
  • 58% of 72 sexually trafficked girls in Los Angeles County’s STARS Court in 2012 were kids who had lived in foster care
  • The most common age for children in the sex trade is 11-13 years for boys and 12-14 years for girls

Source: California Against Slavery (CAS) Research & Education

2) Foster children are more likely to become homeless, incarcerated and/or rely on government assistance
In 2012, 23,396 youth aged out of the U.S. foster care system without the emotional and financial support necessary to succeed.

  • Nearly 40% had been homeless or couch surfed
  • Almost 60% of young men had been convicted of a crime
  • Only 48% were employed
  • 75% of women and 33% of men receive government benefits to meet basic needs
  • 17% of the females were pregnant

Source: AFCARS Report, No. 20, Jim Casey Youth

3) Foster children attain lower levels of education, even though one study shows 70% of all youth in foster care have the desire to attend college,

  • nearly 25% of youth aging out did not have a high school diploma or GED
  • and a mere 6% had finished a two- or four-year degree after aging out of foster care

Source: Midwest Evaluation of the Adult Functioning of Former Foster Youth

19Feb

State of African-American Children in Foster Care: Discrimination and a Bleak Future

With this post we are beginning a series of articles about racial inequalities in the Child Welfare system. Once we illuminate the issues, we will be convening a conference to address those weaknesses.

Unfortunately too many children are abused or neglected by their biological parents. When that occurs, we expect that the child welfare system will remove these children from harm and place them into safe and loving foster homes. While some children are placed with loving foster parents, given the broken state of many of America’s child welfare systems, other children are simply transferred from one harmful situation to another.

This should be alarming for anyone, but considering that African-American children make up a greater percentage of children in foster care, the effects of a broken child welfare system impacts the African-American community even more severely.

Also, child welfare services remove black children from their parent’s homes at twice the rate of white children. But should all of these children be taken from their biological families in the first place? And does poverty play a role?

Statistics on African-American Children in Foster Care
• In 2012, about 640,000 children spent time in U.S. foster care
• In 2012, more than half of children entering U.S. foster care were young people of color
• 26% of children in U.S. foster care are African-American, double the percentage of African-American children in the U.S. population

Source: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families, Administration on Children, Youth and Families, Children's Bureau, “Trends in Foster Care and Adoption (FFY 2002‐FFY 2012)”

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